Aggressive Driving

We are animals. Animals with millions of years of instinct bred into our bones. It can be argued that “civilized” man has existed for hundreds maybe even thousands of years, but I think we can all agree that whatever that time may be it is only a drop in the bucket compared to the millions of years that animals have occupied this earth. At times I try and observe some of our actions in society and try to see if I can apply a natural world spin. You know why it is so easy for us to eat an entire box of macaroni and cheese in one sitting or bag of jelly beans? It is because for millions of years we have been programmed to eat whatever we can, whenever we can because you were never sure when the next Mastodon would be slain or when you would be lucky enough to catch a fish with your bare hands. It is in our DNA to plump up as much as possible. We were born to be insatiable. We gorge to survive.

So it is with this kind of eye, that I approach another curious habit of man: aggressive driving. The early forms of my theory were constructed while driving with my friend Debbie one day. She was telling me about a report that she was writing for a class about a society in South America where the boys are brought into manhood by being mounted by an older male. She explained that it was a similar action observed in roosters. When I thought about it myself and reflected on my life growing up on a farm, suddenly images of male dogs, goats, sheep, horses, bulls, and ducks trying to mount other animals made sense. They were trying to prove who is in charge. It’s an animalistic instinct to conquer and dominate as much as possible. And what is the simple and most effective way to prove dominance? To tackle a weaker creature and have your way with them (in a not very personal but very intimate way.)

It is with that logic that I turn to the road. Aggressive motorists experience driving in a different way, driving is a sexual experience to them. Passing somebody in a car is a very similar experience to mounting somebody. The moment that you hit the gas enough so that no part of your vehicles are side by side anymore is the automobile equivalent to penetration.

There is no sating this desire in a dominant hungry specimen because as soon as you penetrate/pass one car there is another car seductively winking its backside/taillights at you. In nature that is called “presenting.” The animal behind the wheel thrives on the rush of pouncing on his prey and having their way with it and then moving on to the next. If you look at a pride of lions or a pack of elk, the males must mount several females to claim them. It is kind of like a little kid going around touching things and saying, “that’s mine, this belongs to me, I’ll take that, etc…”

So the next time you see a car recklessly zip in and out of traffic, just laugh. Take solace that you are an evolved being that is cultured enough to control their animalistic desires. Questioning our actions is the only thing that keeps us from throwing feces at each other.