Surfing Analyzed

I'm in Hawaii.  I've just wrapped up a 2 day conference sitting in an auditorium....inside.  It's 5 PM on a Friday and I fly out back to the mainland early in the morning.  I've been in meetings all week and have yet to enjoy any of the sensory pleasures that one enjoys when they are in Hawaii.

I feel the regret begin to seep through my capillaries.  "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?" my body screams.  "YOU'RE IN HAWAII, BUT YOU COULD JUST AS EASILY BE IN BETHESDA.  EXPERIENCE YOUR ENVIRONMENT!!  THERE WILL BE TIME TO SIT IN ANOTHER CONFERENCE ROOM WHEN YOU GET HOME!!"

I power down my laptop, pack my notepad away filled with forecasts, trends, and a handful of interesting numbers I will soon forget and I fully accept my new mission of immersion.  Flee the scene, shirts get untucked, and I am back in my hotel room with a sense of purpose.

Seconds after the door closes behind me, clothes are gone.  I can no longer be encumbered by buttons, belts, deadlines.  Primal caveman mode has kicked in.  I grab the essentials (cash, my ID), begrudgingly put on my swim trunks and make my way through the lobby shirtless, shoeless and on my way to the closest surf shop.

I exchange paper with a merchant and he agrees to let me borrow his finest apparatus for 2 hours.  I walk through the tourist-trap that is Waikiki with a sense of "look at these corporate drones" and I'm in the water in less than 6 minutes (or 1.8 Jack Johnson songs.)

I've never surfed before, but that doesn't seem to concern me as much as it probably should.  I can snowboard and wakeboard and am filled with the arrogance of a typical American male.  I'm resigned to the fact that I may fall a couple times, but I'm sure I'll be a pro by wave 5.

Mother Nature and Experience are a humbling combination.

The waves aren't particularly "epic" this evening, but don't let me convince you that was the only thing holding me back.  I discovered pretty quickly that my balance was nowhere near where I thought it was.  After paddling out to the waves, most people calmly straddle their boards, relax and wait for a wave to approach that they think will be worth pursuing.  My approach is more of a sloppily slap my way out to a spot I think looks about right and try to look graceful as I convulse back and forth like I've got the only board that is possessed by an despotic, mechanical bull.  While everyone else enjoys their quiet, self-reflecting, zen moments, I'm flailing around like a panicked hen.

When the occasional cease-fire between my cerebellum and surf board takes place and I'm able to serenely sit on my board like a sane person, I wait for waves to come at me and lift me into surfing folklore.  "There was this guy, right.  He was this surfing prodigy that couldn't stay on his board when it was still, but when he got up on a wave.... oh bruddah, watch out.  That mainlander could carve!"

"Wave" I've discovered is its own separate language.  And I don't know how to read it.  It is truly an art to know where to position yourself and be able to sense with your soul when a wave is going to grow into something worth pursuing.  As I paddled around like an idiot chasing inconsequential swells down with maximum effort, the locals just sit and calmly wait.  I spend the next 90 minutes misjudging my reads and marveling at those around me that seem to be making something out of nothing.  People are popping up all around me riding the water with ease.  If the winner is the chef that makes the best dish with the same ingredients, then I'm in trouble...

I spend the last 20 minutes on the water trying to appreciate the moment for what it was, reflecting on how this experience could be an allegory for my own life, and worrying that with all the splashing around I'm doing a shark would obviously pick me as the fattest, slowest, most vulnerable seal.

I decide to paddle in and find myself lingering 20 yards from shore where a paid instructor is giving his pupils some basic tips.  I make a pact with myself that next time the $30 investment for a lesson will be worth the price.  He flashes me a quick, "You going to pay for this brah?" look.  I continue my paddle to shore.

I come out of the water humbled by the ass-kicking, but grateful for the opportunity.  I take a couple steps and put my chin up.  I realize something.  No matter how pathetic my attempts were out there in the surf, everyone looks the same walking out of the water to the people that are stationed safely on the beach.  I'm wet and I have a surfboard under my arm, who the hell knows how well I did out there beside me?  I went out there and gave it a shot, the people on land watched.  We are all bound by the same limits of ability, our willingness to test those limits is what differentiates us.

I catch the eye of a cute tourist.  She smiles.

"How was your day?"  the shop owner asks as I return my board.

"No regrets," I grin in reply.

Two Different Ways

Most people are lucky to have a strong female influence in their childhood.  I was lucky enough to have two.  One was my mother, a single woman running her own business, living on a farm with a myriad of animals and taking care of a human son.  The second was my great aunt, Mona, in Los Angeles.  She never had any children of her own, but spoiled me like a mo-fo.  She would use any holiday as an excuse to ship boxes of presents up my way.  She would write letters to me as herself, her pets, and other random characters so I always felt like I had an army of love behind me.  This gift of confidence was invaluable to the shortest kid throughout his school years, the weirdo that came to school with patches on his jeans before they were cool.  My favorite athlete growing up was Joe Montana.  She got me a signed, framed Joe Montana picture for my 10th birthday.  She finally came clean a couple years ago that it was forged, by then I appreciated the gesture more than the resale value.

Both have now passed on.  My mother 5 weeks ago and my aunt just over a week ago.  I just got the call about my aunt today.  With both happening so closely to each other, it definitely gets a person thinking about all kinds of things.  One of the questions that comes up is which type of departure is easier to deal with: a quick, unexpected death or a drawn out, bed-ridden ordeal?

After you accept that there is nothing you can do or say to the person anymore, you can only make sure you did the best with the moments/interactions you had.  Without being able to ask the person posthumously on how they would rate their moments/interactions with you, you are left to your own imagination.  This can open the door for uncontrollable waves of guilt to smash you to the floor.  Without the person there to shut the door, your mind can conjure all sorts of "If I had only..." scenarios.  This can be crippling.

In answering this "which is worse" question, I recognize how lucky I have been in both of my female influences.  The last note that my mother sent me in the mail was, "Joseph Michael Mangan you are a good person/kid.  I love you, Mom."  She also left a note for me to find if  I ever had to go through her things telling me how proud she was of me.  One was a lucky coincidence, a small expression of love.  The other was a planned, planted note that would have otherworldly powers to dispel any shrouds of doubt or guilt.  These are both great individually, but to have both of these gifts is something I know many people do not get to experience.

My aunt was strong until the end, she has been bed-ridden for the last 3 years.    She was able to hang onto her mind the entire time and even wrote down family history accounts about my grandmother, etc. that would have gone extinct with her.  Transferring this tribal knowledge was something I would not have thought of, but I am grateful she had the foresight to put pen to paper.  She was always blunt with me during our conversations, letting me know that she was ready to go.  In her words, it could not come soon enough.  She never let me worry about her.  She did not want her health to impact my life in any way.  Even at the end, she wanted to protect me.  I learned today that even as her health was failing, she would not let anyone reach out to me because she did not want to cause any additional stress in my life.

In the end all you can hope for is closure.  Whether it is a random freak accident or a 3 year battle in a bed,  I think either scenario has equal potential for everlasting heartache and years of regret.  In my situation, with my separate cases coming to a end so closely together, I cannot help but feel fortunate.  Soaking it all in, I cannot help but look at things through this perspective.  When you know you are loved despite your sporadic call record, you becoming your own person, your spotty visiting schedule, what else do you need?

Why let people wonder if you love them when you can tell them?

Joesop Fable: Mr. Bull and Mr. Sloth

Mr. Bull and Mr. Sloth are good friends.  They work together in an advertising office and often eat lunch together.  One day at lunch Mr. Bull looked at his phone, snorted his nose, and started hoofing the ground.  Concerned, Mr. Sloth asked, “Why Mr. Bull, you seem very upset about something.  Please proclaim your concern.  I would be very interested in reversing your mood so we can continue with our delectable lunch.” 

To which Mr. Bull replied, “Oh, it is election season and I am so sick and tired of my newsfeed being overrun by everybody’s vapid political opinion.  The cacophonous clamoring enrages me tremendously!  Their updates make the capillaries in my corneas pulse with ire.  I am not concerned with their thoughts on politics and do not appreciate my newsfeed being overrun with condensed bile.”

Mr. Sloth listened to Mr. Bull vent as he masticated his maple leaf and sunflower petal whole wheat pita.  After chewing thirty two times, swallowing, and chasing it with a swig of chocolate mole milk Mr. Sloth asked, “These opinions that you are complaining about overtaking your newsfeed, who forms them?”

“Peers that I have identified in one way or another as a friend,” Mr. Bull replied.

“Well if their opinions make your blood boil so forcefully, have you considered reevaluating why you are friends with them?  If the content on your newsfeed is formed by animals you have confirmed as friends, then are you not responsible for what you are seeing? ”

With that Mr. Bull’s horns went flaccid with introspection and he moved on with his day.

Moral of the story:  Complaining about something you can act on gets you as far as words will go.

Life Lesson...

When people say, "Don't even get me started..." they usually want you to get them started.

It can be confusing, but don't let it ruin your day.

My New Jacket

About 4-5 years ago my roommate, Andrew, and I went to a snowsports expo. The kind of thing where they put a tent up in a parking lot and tout "Super Savings!" on snow gear. I didn't really need anything, but decided I would go.

He found this jacket and tried it on. I laughed at him. It had comic book characters in the lining and studs on the back. I tried it on to show him how ridiculous he looked and a "Super Cute" girl coyly swam by and said "That jacket looks really good on you." After some playful banter back and forth I figured out that she was a sales girl there, but she informed me that shouldn't take anything away from her compliment. I looked good.

I told her I was just busting my roommate's chops for even thinking about that jacket, I mean comic book character lining and studs on the back? How ridiculous. Well I guess I didn't know that comic book characters were cool and studs were tough. I am sure you all can see where this is going... to Andrew's irritation I ended up buying the jacket .

As we were leaving, Andrew was shaking his head in disbelief that I stole the very jacket from him he was interested in and bought it for myself and I was kicking myself for not asking for her number. We were in the car ready to leave and I was trying to talk myself into going back into that tent for another assault. Andrew fed my delusion by encouraging me (I am convinced that he did not have my best interest at heart, and was still irked about losing the jacket to me.) I marched back in, walked up to the register where she was having a conversation with somebody and tried to hop back into that groove that we were in minutes ago. It is difficult to try to recreate lightning striking, but I gave it a good try. When I could see that the border between sweet and creepy was being tested, I threw out my last grenade from my belt, "So do you want to come over and watch some Saved by the Bell sometime?" (I had just gotten 4 seasons on DVD) I realized this was an all or nothing kind of move. I knew the risk I was taking. Well bunkered safely behind her "No Returns. All sales are final." sign she let out one loud "Ha" and said "No thanks" and turned back to her convo.

I still have that jacket and it is one of my favorites to this day.

Hugs

Using nature as the ultimate professor, I have developed a theory on why hugs are such an intimate expression between 2 humans.

If you think that we all evolved from animals and then link that to bellies being the most vulnerable spot on most animals (cats, turtles, porcupines) then it makes sense that 2 animals trusting each other enough to touch each other’s bellies is a special moment.

XXXX!

Aggressive Driving

We are animals. Animals with millions of years of instinct bred into our bones. It can be argued that “civilized” man has existed for hundreds maybe even thousands of years, but I think we can all agree that whatever that time may be it is only a drop in the bucket compared to the millions of years that animals have occupied this earth. At times I try and observe some of our actions in society and try to see if I can apply a natural world spin. You know why it is so easy for us to eat an entire box of macaroni and cheese in one sitting or bag of jelly beans? It is because for millions of years we have been programmed to eat whatever we can, whenever we can because you were never sure when the next Mastodon would be slain or when you would be lucky enough to catch a fish with your bare hands. It is in our DNA to plump up as much as possible. We were born to be insatiable. We gorge to survive.

So it is with this kind of eye, that I approach another curious habit of man: aggressive driving. The early forms of my theory were constructed while driving with my friend Debbie one day. She was telling me about a report that she was writing for a class about a society in South America where the boys are brought into manhood by being mounted by an older male. She explained that it was a similar action observed in roosters. When I thought about it myself and reflected on my life growing up on a farm, suddenly images of male dogs, goats, sheep, horses, bulls, and ducks trying to mount other animals made sense. They were trying to prove who is in charge. It’s an animalistic instinct to conquer and dominate as much as possible. And what is the simple and most effective way to prove dominance? To tackle a weaker creature and have your way with them (in a not very personal but very intimate way.)

It is with that logic that I turn to the road. Aggressive motorists experience driving in a different way, driving is a sexual experience to them. Passing somebody in a car is a very similar experience to mounting somebody. The moment that you hit the gas enough so that no part of your vehicles are side by side anymore is the automobile equivalent to penetration.

There is no sating this desire in a dominant hungry specimen because as soon as you penetrate/pass one car there is another car seductively winking its backside/taillights at you. In nature that is called “presenting.” The animal behind the wheel thrives on the rush of pouncing on his prey and having their way with it and then moving on to the next. If you look at a pride of lions or a pack of elk, the males must mount several females to claim them. It is kind of like a little kid going around touching things and saying, “that’s mine, this belongs to me, I’ll take that, etc…”

So the next time you see a car recklessly zip in and out of traffic, just laugh. Take solace that you are an evolved being that is cultured enough to control their animalistic desires. Questioning our actions is the only thing that keeps us from throwing feces at each other.